Have you ever searched Etsy for Benedict Cumberbatch fan products? Don’t. The results are effing creepy. Like, if-I-was-Benedict-Cumberbatch-I-would-live-in-constant-fear-of-meeting-the-person-who-would-buy-this creepy. Want to see the weirdest and most skin-crawling of what’s out there. Yes you do!
Let’s set the stage here. These things were not creepy enough to make my list of the creepiest things one might purchase:
Cumberbatch face underwear (I mean pants) were not nearly the worst thing on offer, despite the fact that Benedict is staring out from your intimate region, challenging potential suitors who dare to infringe on his territory. SHER Locked indeed.
Nor did these masterpieces make the list.
However, please note the middle one in which Benedict is drizzling himself with a Cumberbatch-load of honey off of an inexplicably skull-faced honeycomb stick. And appears to be oozing honey out of a gunshot wound through his heart (???).
So, now that we understand what we’re about to get into, let’s dive in and discuss the five creepiest Benedict Cumberbatch products Etsy allows you to actually spend your hard-earned money on.
This crocheted version of Sherlock as a merman. As. A. Merman. And no, calling it “Merlock” does not make it better.
And yet that is still not as creepy as this clay, faceless version of Benedict Cumberbatch, naked and swathed in a sheet.
This body pillow.
Though that does not even come close to this BODY pillow. (see what I did there?)
And yet, the creepiest Cumberbatch you can put under your head is this pillow, based on a somewhat normal photo (which is already pretty creepy to have on a pillow), and altered to showcase what can only be described as a glistening chest. Oh, and a HANDCUFFED WRIST, complete with chafing.
NUMBER THREE (AS IN, THE SIGN OF):
Sure, they don’t seem all that creepy (apart from the giant weird-ass glitter hand) … until you imagine yourself coming face to face with someone who is actually wearing them. Behold:
NUMBER TWO (TWO ONE B BAKER STREET):
This …. thing? Though I’m pretty convinced this is actually Alan Rickman. In which case, spot on.
Wait, actually, this thing.
Nope. This DISEMBODIED HEAD. (*shiver*)
Wrong again. It’s these golems that will come to life and eat your soul while you sleep.
And yet, with all of that, somehow this flower-crowned angelic Benedict is still the creepiest Sherlock thing you can buy on Etsy.
Oh, no, wait … this is.
p.s. just for Krystal (not that anyone else would be reading this, but just in case): Here’s the added bonus. You will be receiving one of these items in the mail. No spoilers on which one. Cross your fingers for the rape-y pillow.